Do not be scared, I cannot afford to "HAVE" it.

This morning, Marc told me he was going to "Cigar Social" at Nat Sherman tomorrow night, it got me for a while. I told him I would go to the gay bar in our neighborhood. Of course, I was joking. Then I was in tears.

I do not feel blue most of the time. Sometimes I am just wondering what the future holds for me. Am I able to go back to work? What can I provide for Hannah?

Why do I feel so blue now that I finally have the child I've been waiting for?
You've just given birth to a delightful baby, and everyone is ecstatic. Everyone, that is, except you. If this is supposed to be the happiest time of your life, why do you feel so low?

You're not alone. Some degree of emotional vulnerability is natural and expected after childbirth, and many women have conflicting or troublesome feelings at this time. At least 60 to 80 percent of new mothers experience the baby blues, a mild form of depression that begins a few days to a week after delivery and generally lasts no longer than two weeks. If you have the blues, you may be weepy, anxious, and unable to sleep. You may also be irritable and moody.

Could I be suffering from postpartum depression?
If your mood doesn't lift after two weeks, you may have postpartum depression (PPD). Ten to 20 percent of new mothers develop a full-blown clinical depression, which can last from two weeks to as long as a year.

Symptoms of PPD include:
• insomnia
• weepiness or sadness that persists all day
• diminished interest in almost all activities
• difficulty concentrating
• change in appetite
• anxiety
• moodiness and irritability
• excessive guilt
• panic attacks (symptoms include heart racing, dizziness, confusion, feelings of impending doom)
• suicidal thoughts

Your healthcare provider can best determine whether you have PPD, but you may spot some clues yourself. Experts say that if you can't sleep when the baby sleeps, no matter how hard you try or how tired you are, you may have PPD. A small number of women believe they cannot adequately care for their baby.

Others report having intrusive thoughts about harming their babies. One Queens, New York, mother remembers falling asleep in a rocker one evening while holding her newborn son, and later waking up convinced she had dropped him on his head. No amount of reassurance from her husband that she hadn't hurt the baby would change her mind.

A few new mothers experience postpartum psychosis, an extremely rare illness that requires immediate medical intervention and is characterized by hallucinations, bizarre thinking, delusions, and often suicidal impulses.

It's important to know the difference between normal emotional changes after birth and a need for further support. It's not just what you are feeling that indicates something may be amiss, but the frequency, intensity, and duration of your feelings. In other words, many new mothers feel sad and anxious periodically during the first few months after childbirth. But if you are crying all day long for several days in a row and having panic attacks, you should contact your doctor.

PPD can strike any woman, either immediately after the birth of her baby or many months later. Unfortunately, the medical community has a long history of misunderstanding and misdiagnosing PPD. Sometimes healthcare providers don't take new mothers' concerns seriously, brushing them off as hormonal shifts and adjustment to motherhood. Our society also makes it difficult to admit to having negative feelings about motherhood or the baby. When mothers do express feelings such as ambivalence, fear, or rage, they can frighten themselves and those close to them.

Source: babycenter.com

BMI: Body Mass Index is an assessment generally used by physicians and health experts to determine if a person is underweight, overweight or within a healthy weight range. Experts generally consider a BMI below 20 to be underweight and a BMI of 20 to 25 to be healthy. BMIs of 25 to 30 are generally considered overweight while a BMI over 30 is generally considered very overweight (obese).

Source: Weight Watchers

Punch Buggy: A common road trip game in which players try to spot Volkswagon Beetles.

Source: Who Wants to Become a Millionaire? The contestant used "Ask the Audience" life line. 98% of the audience had the correct answer. I guessed it right although I never played. But since Yuting bought the white Beetles, I have been noticing a lot in my neighborhood. There are at least three: a green one, a yellow one and a black one. The green is like the background color of my blog, my favorite.

HNIC---the Head Negro In Charge

The notion holds that for various reasons in the U.S.---having to do with limited opportunities, pervasive racism and fear that if too many black people get too much stuff won't be anything left for white folks--only one black person is allowed to be on top in any field. Colin or Condi. Denzel or Jamie. 50 Cent or Game.

Source: Time, May 23, 2005

Talking about how the young comdian Dave Chappelle feels about his situation. In comedy, it is Chris Rock. He wants people to say at least once he is the best. In his show at Comedy Central, Chappelle deals a lot with racial issues. His wife is Asian.

my yesterday's entry just disappeared.

I came across with some useful English-Chinese proverbs. Here they go:

A friend in need is a friend indeed.患難朋友才是真正的朋友
Actions speak louder than words.事實勝于雄辯
All is not gold that glitters.閃光的不一定都是金子
An idle youth﹐ a needy age.少壯不努力﹐老大徒傷悲
Bitter pills may have wholesome effects.良藥苦口
Do wrong once and you"ll never hear the end of it.一失足成千古恨
Every cloud has a silver lining.守得雲開見月明
Every man has his fault.人孰無過
First come﹐ first served.捷足先登
Haste makes waste.慾速則不達
Honesty is the best policy.誠實至上
In fair weather prepare for foul.未雨綢繆
Knowledge is power.知識就是力量
Let bygones be bygone.既往不究
Look before you leap.三思而后行
Man proposes﹐ God disposes.謀事在人﹐成事在天
Money talks.金錢萬能
No gains without pains.吃得苦中苦方為人上人
Practice makes perfect.熟能生巧
Silence is golden.獻醜不如藏拙
Speak well of your friend﹐of your enemy say nothing.隱惡揚善
Take things as they come.逆來順受
The ear1y bird catches the worm.先到先得
Time and tide wait for no man.歲月不饒人
To burn the candle at both ends.自暴自棄
To make a mountain out of a molehill.小題大做
Too many cooks spoil tbe broth.人多手腳亂
Well begun is half done.事半功倍
When you are in Rome﹐ do as the Romans do.入鄉隨俗
Where there is life, there is hope.留得青山在﹐不怕沒材燒